I had to break to become a rock

It's been 6 weeks and I have talked to my husband once. I spend 6 weeks crying, waiting, hoping an wishing for more calls. My nerves couldn't handle it every day. It was a sad way to live. Christmas day I was convinced I would get a call, since he had mentioned it multiple times in letters and the only time we spoke. All day I sat alone, sulking, and hopelessly waiting for a call from the only person I've ever spent Christmas with for the past 6 years. It never came.

My heart was not broken, but hardened. That day was my breaking point, and I became the rock he asked me to be for him. I can not go through out my days doing this anymore. I just have to live normally and go on with my days. I can't be sad or lonely anymore. It's not productive, or conducive to my mental health. Would I cherish a call from the love of my life? Without a doubt. Will I cry anymore from loneliness? Hell no. I need to be strong for him because he is giving his all right now, for us. The least I can do is give my all as a woman, and a housewife. These 9 weeks are not only for him, but for me too. And I'm so happy I found myself sooner than later in this journey. I feel like I can breathe again.

Bring on the next 20+ years. I'm ready.

and on the 11th day, there was a letter

Last night I came home from a friends house and I checked the mail. There it was, a small envelope lettered to me with a U.S. Naval Recruit Training Center crest in the left corner.

The huge smile on my face was genuine, and so was my skip. It made me so happy to have some kind of contact with him. To hold something he held only a few days earlier. I got home and I was finally happy. I read it over and over and cried every time. I went to bed feeling good. Finally.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

This has been the hardest 10 days of my life. I can't imagine how its been for him. They've gone so slow. Everyday is the same routine, wake up, cry. Put the dogs out, work out, cry. Shower (with crying). Do my chores, sit on facebook, listen to music, cry, feed the animals, get ready for bed and cry myself to sleep. I count the days on the calendar every day, as if tomorrow is magically the day I get to see him again. I play a recording he made for me in a teddy bear a million times when I go to bed, and a million more times when I wake up.

As depressing as my days are, I have no desire to make them better. I still can't grasp living without him. I still can't get used to coming home without seeing his face. Happiness wasn't in my life before him, and it isn't without him. Everyone says "get a hobby" or "you need to grow without him". But I don't know how to do that, and I'm not sure if I want to yet. It feels like no one in my life can understand my emotions right now. I feel like I'm completely alone in this even though I know I'm not the only one. There was nothing I could do to prepare for these emotions. I hope so hard I can be normal again.

Today was not Thanksgiving for me. Today, 10 days ago we hugged for the last time. I can still smell him. I can still feel his arms around me. I can still feel his bony collar bone on my cheek, and I miss it all so bad. My heart hurts, it aches every day I wake up and I don't see him next to me. The only thing that keeps me going is that I'll be able to feel his embrace again, and until then, my soul just doesn't have the strength to do anything else.

What doesnt kill you

Last night I was served my first test of Navy wife-hood. I was able to manage it on my own, and quickly. I'm satisfied tonight. Content. I'm going to sleep well.
It makes me confident that I can do this. I'm managing well without my best friend. I think about him all day, I wonder what he's doing. Who he's talking to. If he likes it. If he's looking forward to 7 more weeks as much as I am. If he's gained the confidence in himself as quickly as I have. I hope he has.

day one

Today I'm trying to keep myself very productive. He's in the airport waiting for his plane as I write this. I slept well last night with my Navy teddy bear, and my pit bulls. I woke up at 8:30 am, showered, let the dogs out, went to 7/11 for smokes, water, and cash. Washed my car, went to dog training. Managed to clean my house, and now I guess its down time. I'm not as lonely as I thought I would be. Its kind of nice. I have lots of friends to call and text. I know my feelings will peak in the future, but as of right now I'm doing so much better than I expected.

me 1, emotions 0

all of my thoughts in one big jumblefuck

The day has come. It went much too fast. I miss him already. I look forward to his letters. I look forward to January. I could care less about taking a trip to Chicago. Tomorrow I will get his call. I'll be anxious all day for it. I'll miss my best friend. I need him, to change light bulbs, to feed the animals, to thread my sewing machine, to make me laugh, to hold me when I'm sad. I'm so happy we got to spend every moment together for the past 3 weeks, its really made this easier. I didn't cry much today, a lot less than we both thought I would. We were both more excited than scared. This is the best thing for our life. I'm excited to see our dogs pee the floor when he finally comes home. I'm excited to see him in those dress blues. I'm excited for him to proud of himself and his achievements. I'm excited for what the road has ahead for us. I'm excited to move. I hope he has so much fun. I hope he loves every second. I hope he makes great friends. I hope he misses me as much as I'll miss him. I hope its everything he's imagined and more. I hope he's and over achiever. I hope he gets to see amazing people, places, and things.

I do know how much we love each other. And I know I'll miss every single part of him.

A Question with No Answer

Tonight while waiting for my favorite meal at my favorite restaurant, I was sitting with my in-laws, and I got asked a very important question. A question that I can't supply an answer for. A question that made my mind go blank, and still, many hours later, I don't have a good response for it.

"What will you do when Scott is in the Navy"

I have many responses, just no good ones. Like "cry a lot", "sit at home alone", or "drink a lot of beer and watch re-runs of The Nanny on TV Land".

What will I do? In all reality, my smart ass answers are probably what's going to happen. I have never felt more alone than when we moved to Utah. I miss constant friends, I miss friends who just want to hang out. Everyone needs a reason, something to accomplish when they're out, like dinner, shopping, or drinking. What ever happened to companionship? I miss friends who I really feel comfortable saying that they're my family. I have no support group here. And when Scott is gone through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year, I will defiantly be living up to my pathetic answers.

What doesn't kill me will make me stronger, and being alone certainly won't kill me, it will only make me a tougher woman. And I'll come out a better person for it.

Happy Birthday!

I want to say Happy Birthday to my future sailor! It has been an incredible year, where you've accomplished SO much. We've had many highs and lows, but right now I can only recall the highs. Like you losing 60lbs to join the Navy. Getting sworn in at MEPS. Helping you every night memorize you sailors creed, general orders, alphabet, terminology and so much more that I even know them. Adding a new puppy to our family. Weight pulling Morticia. And now to complete the year, in November I will get that call from boot camp, telling me that you are now a United States Sailor. Its so thrilling, and so scary at the same time, just like the ups and downs of our year.

I'm so excited for the year to come, where I know you will accomplish so much more.

Happy Birthday to my baby, I love you more than words can express.

relief, then celebration

A few days after Scott got the "early" call, his recruiter informed him it was a false alarm. Hallelujah!!!

Today I enjoyed watching him trying to make steamed soy milk with our steam cleaner. He was so proud of himself for succeeding. And it made me cry, because these are the moments I will miss, the simple ones.

Immediately I was so extremely relieved, but the realization that he was leaving in 56 days couldn't have been heavier. I've made a decision to spend every moment we can together, enjoying each other's company immensely. It's bliss. I couldn't imagine spending time with anyone but him. We have so much fun, we make a conscious effort not to argue about the small shit, and we say, "I love you" even more than we usually do. Everyday that goes by I still cry, I still dread the loneliness. I'm still scared of the independence. I'm still worried if he'll be okay. And in the back of my mind, I wonder if the great times together will make his leaving so much harder. The only thing that keeps me from falling into a black hole is knowing I'll get to wake up to his face for 56 more days.

56 more days of;

his sleep talking
his smile
his hugs
his kisses
his wacky ideas
his whining
his conversation
his lame sense of humor
his help
his love

I hope to make these the happiest 56 days of our lives.

struck by a wrecking ball.

There are many things I won't admit I am, because through heredity, I was blessed with a strong sense of vanity. But there are some things I am not too proud to admit. One, I am selfish. I am very, very, very selfish, yet somehow I'm selfless at the same time, always trying to think of the needs of others, but when I want my way, and I see it doing no harm to other people, I'm going to get my way. Childish? Maybe. Yet I know what makes me happy, and I can't make anyone else happy if I'm not happy. Two, I'm needy. Ever since I met Scott, I can't get enough love, when before, I didn't want any, from anyone except my pets. I love being doted and thought of, and it's a feeling I couldn't wrap my brain around before I met him. And if you haven't caught on, these two things go hand in hand.

Yesterday, Scott got out of work early and we had errands to run, of course we stopped and had out falafel Friday downtown. We had sometime to spare so I thought it'd be a great idea to walk around my favorite store, chock full of costume jewelry, vintage hats, and pictures of Divine. I was loving my day with him. As I was over feeding the meter, anticipating my time in Decades, Scott's phone rang. It was his recruiter, and once i heard him say "Hello Petty Officer so&so", I knew what the call was for and my heart sank. He was asked if he'd like to leave for boot camp early. He said yes. Then he was told he'd receive a call back with details. I put my big girl pants on and brushed it off. I walked around the store with less enthusiasm as ever, because I couldn't stop thinking. Every time his phone rang my heart raced even though the ring tone was not of his recruiter's. I've managed to not think about it for a whole 24 hours, and I was proud of myself.

Tonight I broke.

As I lay in bed next to the man I've slept next to for 6 years, I wondered so many things, like;
Who will tickle my back at night to help me fall asleep?
Who will take care of me when I'm sick?
Who will I eat dinner with?
Who will I talk to?
Who will I watch movies with?
Who will I run errands with?
Who will I wait for every day?
Who will I wake up to?

My husband is not only my husband and the love of my life, but he is my best friend. I've never known such love in my life, like what I have with him. I've never spend more than 2 days away from him in the 6 years we've been together. We have systems, we have routines, I need him so much for everything every day. He is my everything, and very quickly (possibly sooner than I thought) he'll be gone, and I will have no one. I have no family where I live. No one to go food shopping with, to have dinner with, to just stop by and say "hey, how have you been doing?". No one. None of my friends could possibly comprehend my emotions at this moment, and they'll never understand how much I need friends right now. All I have is my baby, and all I can do about it, is crawl back in bed, put my head on his chest, and fall asleep to his heart beat, and try to never forget it.

I've never felt so alone, as I wipe my tears away, feeling guilty for being so selfish and needy.

92

I'm needy, I've come to realize this. I've only become needy since I've experienced what love is. Love has made me a weak woman. I know what Hank feels when he sings. Life was easier when I was bitter and scorned. The world moved faster, and my head was focused. I only had to worry about myself. The next 92 days will have a lot of random refection. My weary blues from waitin' will be from the unknown.

Introduction

Differences make the world go round. But sometimes they make me feel like my world stops. Lets go back to the beginning.

Im a 25 year old woman, married for 4 years, no children, just dogs, and happy with the way it is. I've adjusted to many changes in my life, such as getting married, moving across the country with no family, and my husband joining the U.S. Navy. In exactly 93 days, he will be gone, to boot camp up in the great lakes. I'll be alone in a place where I have no family, and a handful of friends. This will be the hardest change thus far. I've made attempts to make friends in the "Navy wife" community. Once again when I reach out, I come across some road blocks.

Differences.

I am not a mother of human children, nor do I like human children. I don't believe in "god", and don't need him to be happy. I am vegan. I am Italian-American and very proud of it. I have many tattoos. I have many piercings. I wear a lot of eyeliner, and I enhance my eyebrows. I think Pink Flamingoes, Desperate Living, and Female Trouble are cinematic gold, no... platinum, with diamonds. I'm spiritual in my own way that most people can't comprehend. I love my pets as much as people love their own flesh and blood. I'm a Pisces, to the "T". I don't buy words carved out of/painted on wood to hang in my home. I don't buy art at stores. I listen to records. I don't drive an SUV, I prefer to drive stick, and sit low. I don't plant flowers. I prefer beer, Pabst Blue Ribbon to be exact. I like songs about dead girls. I have pit bulls, and would rather spend my Saturdays with them. And I curse more than my sailor.

All of these thing sometimes make me feel like I'll never find another Navy wife friend who will not judge these things, or take them as "immaturity". I'm actually starting to crave to find more women like me, but I'm not sure if another me exists. which puts another nail in my lonely coffin, that will be lowered the day my husband goes away to boot camp. This journey is getting very real and very scary, and I don't think I can go it alone.