I had to break to become a rock

It's been 6 weeks and I have talked to my husband once. I spend 6 weeks crying, waiting, hoping an wishing for more calls. My nerves couldn't handle it every day. It was a sad way to live. Christmas day I was convinced I would get a call, since he had mentioned it multiple times in letters and the only time we spoke. All day I sat alone, sulking, and hopelessly waiting for a call from the only person I've ever spent Christmas with for the past 6 years. It never came.

My heart was not broken, but hardened. That day was my breaking point, and I became the rock he asked me to be for him. I can not go through out my days doing this anymore. I just have to live normally and go on with my days. I can't be sad or lonely anymore. It's not productive, or conducive to my mental health. Would I cherish a call from the love of my life? Without a doubt. Will I cry anymore from loneliness? Hell no. I need to be strong for him because he is giving his all right now, for us. The least I can do is give my all as a woman, and a housewife. These 9 weeks are not only for him, but for me too. And I'm so happy I found myself sooner than later in this journey. I feel like I can breathe again.

Bring on the next 20+ years. I'm ready.

and on the 11th day, there was a letter

Last night I came home from a friends house and I checked the mail. There it was, a small envelope lettered to me with a U.S. Naval Recruit Training Center crest in the left corner.

The huge smile on my face was genuine, and so was my skip. It made me so happy to have some kind of contact with him. To hold something he held only a few days earlier. I got home and I was finally happy. I read it over and over and cried every time. I went to bed feeling good. Finally.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

This has been the hardest 10 days of my life. I can't imagine how its been for him. They've gone so slow. Everyday is the same routine, wake up, cry. Put the dogs out, work out, cry. Shower (with crying). Do my chores, sit on facebook, listen to music, cry, feed the animals, get ready for bed and cry myself to sleep. I count the days on the calendar every day, as if tomorrow is magically the day I get to see him again. I play a recording he made for me in a teddy bear a million times when I go to bed, and a million more times when I wake up.

As depressing as my days are, I have no desire to make them better. I still can't grasp living without him. I still can't get used to coming home without seeing his face. Happiness wasn't in my life before him, and it isn't without him. Everyone says "get a hobby" or "you need to grow without him". But I don't know how to do that, and I'm not sure if I want to yet. It feels like no one in my life can understand my emotions right now. I feel like I'm completely alone in this even though I know I'm not the only one. There was nothing I could do to prepare for these emotions. I hope so hard I can be normal again.

Today was not Thanksgiving for me. Today, 10 days ago we hugged for the last time. I can still smell him. I can still feel his arms around me. I can still feel his bony collar bone on my cheek, and I miss it all so bad. My heart hurts, it aches every day I wake up and I don't see him next to me. The only thing that keeps me going is that I'll be able to feel his embrace again, and until then, my soul just doesn't have the strength to do anything else.

What doesnt kill you

Last night I was served my first test of Navy wife-hood. I was able to manage it on my own, and quickly. I'm satisfied tonight. Content. I'm going to sleep well.
It makes me confident that I can do this. I'm managing well without my best friend. I think about him all day, I wonder what he's doing. Who he's talking to. If he likes it. If he's looking forward to 7 more weeks as much as I am. If he's gained the confidence in himself as quickly as I have. I hope he has.

day one

Today I'm trying to keep myself very productive. He's in the airport waiting for his plane as I write this. I slept well last night with my Navy teddy bear, and my pit bulls. I woke up at 8:30 am, showered, let the dogs out, went to 7/11 for smokes, water, and cash. Washed my car, went to dog training. Managed to clean my house, and now I guess its down time. I'm not as lonely as I thought I would be. Its kind of nice. I have lots of friends to call and text. I know my feelings will peak in the future, but as of right now I'm doing so much better than I expected.

me 1, emotions 0

all of my thoughts in one big jumblefuck

The day has come. It went much too fast. I miss him already. I look forward to his letters. I look forward to January. I could care less about taking a trip to Chicago. Tomorrow I will get his call. I'll be anxious all day for it. I'll miss my best friend. I need him, to change light bulbs, to feed the animals, to thread my sewing machine, to make me laugh, to hold me when I'm sad. I'm so happy we got to spend every moment together for the past 3 weeks, its really made this easier. I didn't cry much today, a lot less than we both thought I would. We were both more excited than scared. This is the best thing for our life. I'm excited to see our dogs pee the floor when he finally comes home. I'm excited to see him in those dress blues. I'm excited for him to proud of himself and his achievements. I'm excited for what the road has ahead for us. I'm excited to move. I hope he has so much fun. I hope he loves every second. I hope he makes great friends. I hope he misses me as much as I'll miss him. I hope its everything he's imagined and more. I hope he's and over achiever. I hope he gets to see amazing people, places, and things.

I do know how much we love each other. And I know I'll miss every single part of him.

A Question with No Answer

Tonight while waiting for my favorite meal at my favorite restaurant, I was sitting with my in-laws, and I got asked a very important question. A question that I can't supply an answer for. A question that made my mind go blank, and still, many hours later, I don't have a good response for it.

"What will you do when Scott is in the Navy"

I have many responses, just no good ones. Like "cry a lot", "sit at home alone", or "drink a lot of beer and watch re-runs of The Nanny on TV Land".

What will I do? In all reality, my smart ass answers are probably what's going to happen. I have never felt more alone than when we moved to Utah. I miss constant friends, I miss friends who just want to hang out. Everyone needs a reason, something to accomplish when they're out, like dinner, shopping, or drinking. What ever happened to companionship? I miss friends who I really feel comfortable saying that they're my family. I have no support group here. And when Scott is gone through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year, I will defiantly be living up to my pathetic answers.

What doesn't kill me will make me stronger, and being alone certainly won't kill me, it will only make me a tougher woman. And I'll come out a better person for it.