A few days after Scott got the "early" call, his recruiter informed him it was a false alarm. Hallelujah!!!
Today I enjoyed watching him trying to make steamed soy milk with our steam cleaner. He was so proud of himself for succeeding. And it made me cry, because these are the moments I will miss, the simple ones.
Immediately I was so extremely relieved, but the realization that he was leaving in 56 days couldn't have been heavier. I've made a decision to spend every moment we can together, enjoying each other's company immensely. It's bliss. I couldn't imagine spending time with anyone but him. We have so much fun, we make a conscious effort not to argue about the small shit, and we say, "I love you" even more than we usually do. Everyday that goes by I still cry, I still dread the loneliness. I'm still scared of the independence. I'm still worried if he'll be okay. And in the back of my mind, I wonder if the great times together will make his leaving so much harder. The only thing that keeps me from falling into a black hole is knowing I'll get to wake up to his face for 56 more days.
56 more days of;
his sleep talking
his smile
his hugs
his kisses
his wacky ideas
his whining
his conversation
his lame sense of humor
his help
his love
I hope to make these the happiest 56 days of our lives.
20110919
20110911
struck by a wrecking ball.
There are many things I won't admit I am, because through heredity, I was blessed with a strong sense of vanity. But there are some things I am not too proud to admit. One, I am selfish. I am very, very, very selfish, yet somehow I'm selfless at the same time, always trying to think of the needs of others, but when I want my way, and I see it doing no harm to other people, I'm going to get my way. Childish? Maybe. Yet I know what makes me happy, and I can't make anyone else happy if I'm not happy. Two, I'm needy. Ever since I met Scott, I can't get enough love, when before, I didn't want any, from anyone except my pets. I love being doted and thought of, and it's a feeling I couldn't wrap my brain around before I met him. And if you haven't caught on, these two things go hand in hand.
Yesterday, Scott got out of work early and we had errands to run, of course we stopped and had out falafel Friday downtown. We had sometime to spare so I thought it'd be a great idea to walk around my favorite store, chock full of costume jewelry, vintage hats, and pictures of Divine. I was loving my day with him. As I was over feeding the meter, anticipating my time in Decades, Scott's phone rang. It was his recruiter, and once i heard him say "Hello Petty Officer so&so", I knew what the call was for and my heart sank. He was asked if he'd like to leave for boot camp early. He said yes. Then he was told he'd receive a call back with details. I put my big girl pants on and brushed it off. I walked around the store with less enthusiasm as ever, because I couldn't stop thinking. Every time his phone rang my heart raced even though the ring tone was not of his recruiter's. I've managed to not think about it for a whole 24 hours, and I was proud of myself.
Tonight I broke.
As I lay in bed next to the man I've slept next to for 6 years, I wondered so many things, like;
Who will tickle my back at night to help me fall asleep?
Who will take care of me when I'm sick?
Who will I eat dinner with?
Who will I talk to?
Who will I watch movies with?
Who will I run errands with?
Who will I wait for every day?
Who will I wake up to?
My husband is not only my husband and the love of my life, but he is my best friend. I've never known such love in my life, like what I have with him. I've never spend more than 2 days away from him in the 6 years we've been together. We have systems, we have routines, I need him so much for everything every day. He is my everything, and very quickly (possibly sooner than I thought) he'll be gone, and I will have no one. I have no family where I live. No one to go food shopping with, to have dinner with, to just stop by and say "hey, how have you been doing?". No one. None of my friends could possibly comprehend my emotions at this moment, and they'll never understand how much I need friends right now. All I have is my baby, and all I can do about it, is crawl back in bed, put my head on his chest, and fall asleep to his heart beat, and try to never forget it.
I've never felt so alone, as I wipe my tears away, feeling guilty for being so selfish and needy.
Yesterday, Scott got out of work early and we had errands to run, of course we stopped and had out falafel Friday downtown. We had sometime to spare so I thought it'd be a great idea to walk around my favorite store, chock full of costume jewelry, vintage hats, and pictures of Divine. I was loving my day with him. As I was over feeding the meter, anticipating my time in Decades, Scott's phone rang. It was his recruiter, and once i heard him say "Hello Petty Officer so&so", I knew what the call was for and my heart sank. He was asked if he'd like to leave for boot camp early. He said yes. Then he was told he'd receive a call back with details. I put my big girl pants on and brushed it off. I walked around the store with less enthusiasm as ever, because I couldn't stop thinking. Every time his phone rang my heart raced even though the ring tone was not of his recruiter's. I've managed to not think about it for a whole 24 hours, and I was proud of myself.
Tonight I broke.
As I lay in bed next to the man I've slept next to for 6 years, I wondered so many things, like;
Who will tickle my back at night to help me fall asleep?
Who will take care of me when I'm sick?
Who will I eat dinner with?
Who will I talk to?
Who will I watch movies with?
Who will I run errands with?
Who will I wait for every day?
Who will I wake up to?
My husband is not only my husband and the love of my life, but he is my best friend. I've never known such love in my life, like what I have with him. I've never spend more than 2 days away from him in the 6 years we've been together. We have systems, we have routines, I need him so much for everything every day. He is my everything, and very quickly (possibly sooner than I thought) he'll be gone, and I will have no one. I have no family where I live. No one to go food shopping with, to have dinner with, to just stop by and say "hey, how have you been doing?". No one. None of my friends could possibly comprehend my emotions at this moment, and they'll never understand how much I need friends right now. All I have is my baby, and all I can do about it, is crawl back in bed, put my head on his chest, and fall asleep to his heart beat, and try to never forget it.
I've never felt so alone, as I wipe my tears away, feeling guilty for being so selfish and needy.
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